April 8, 2013

3 Min Read

(OK, folks. This is satire. It’s a joke. A farce. Tongue-in-cheek to ridicule the absurdity of the anti-GMO movement.)

Eating lunch while catching up on the news, the headline “Monsanto Genetically Modified (GMO) Cucumbers Cause Genital Baldness” made me a choke on my sweet gherkins.

Scratching my head, musing the possibility: could there be a strand of truth in that? If it is on the Internet, it must be true. I read on, clutching my iPad with both hands.

The article said a six-month study at Dalhousie University in Canada revealed that Monsanto-developed GMO cucumbers had resulted in total groin hair loss and chaffed “sensitive areas.” Arrrgh.

According to the article, the study tracked 643 men and women in Nova Scotia after reports began to surface about bald field mice and the bald feral cats that ate GMO pickles discovered by farmers on acreage growing the new crop.

"The bald wild animals raised a huge flag, and we immediately obtained subpoenas for the medical records of all 600 plus adults who took part in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers by Monsanto in Canada," said Dr. Nancy Walker, identified as director of public health research at Dalhousie. "Fully three quarters of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all ... these people now have hairless heinies."

"I pulled down my boxer shorts to get ready for bed one night and there it was ... a pile of hair that looked like a Chihuahua puppy," said Eric LaMaze, who was paid $50 by Monsanto to compare the tastes of natural cucumbers to Monsanto GM cucumbers in March of this year in Halifax. "Then I saw my bits and whoa they were like all shiny skin. Bald."

Federal Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban would be issued within 24 hours. "The government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."

Searching for more, I found blogs and websites like Earth First, Fear and Loathing in Bioethics and BBS Radio had also picked up the story. It must be true!


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Clawing for more validation, I traced the article to The Lapine, a news website out of Canada. More grating news:

“Shroud of Turin Authenticated by Antiques Roadshow.”

“Atheist Suicide Bomber Kills 18 Agnostics”

“Good Looking Woman Reportedly Not Body Searched At Airport Security”

“Self-Awareness Drones Topple Obama Administration”

It must be true!

Fortunately, rectification was on the way. The article stated, “Monsanto Inc., a self-described Sustainable Agriculture Company based in Creve Coeur, Missouri issued a statement saying, ‘Next generation fruits and vegetables, including VO5 cucumbers, are safe for human consumption with some potential minor side effects. Some fine-tuning is underway.’

McDonald's Corp. issued a statement saying it will replace dill and sweet cucumber pickles on their burgers with non-GM pickled zucchini as a precaution until it is proven that no Monsanto pickles were sold into the North American market. McDonald's website contains a bulletin to that effect and includes a revised hip-hop Big Mac jingle that now sings, "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled zuke, onions on a sesame seed bun."

I was soothed.

More from Western Farm Press

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Honey bee alarm sounded as losses mount

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Total ag pesticide elimination sought by radicals

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