Kendra
Over the course of our marriage, we’ve developed certain code words and phrases to communicate with one another. There are several examples I could share, but one of my favorites is quite simply, “I need a banana.” This code came into being when someone (disclaimer: a friend, not a physician) told me bananas contain potassium, a mineral that aids mental stability. So, when I declare the need for a banana, John is alerted that something or someone is driving me crazy.

Another one of our favorites is the statement “We need to have an adult conversation.”

John
I’m not sure it’s one of our favorites, but it has been uttered many times, and its meaning is clear to both of us. When I hear those words, I know the conversation is likely to take longer than the typical “non-adult” conversation.

I’ve never actually kept track of the number of times an adult conversation has been suggested, but my recollection is that Kendra has made the request more often than I have.

Kendra
Allegedly, I have initiated more of those all-important conversations. Since neither of us has been tracking the exact amount, we’ll just ignore that statistic.

Regardless of who makes the suggestion, I think both of us would agree we have benefited from the investment of time and effort required to make those conversations happen.

John
Early on, before such conversations had an official title, we realized that when discussing difficult topics, our conversations weren’t always productive. Our solution to that problem was to set up guidelines — rules, you might say — that we were both willing to follow. Step one was to define the word “communication.”

We settled on this (adapted from Webster’s dictionary): Communication is the process of sharing information with another person in such a way that he or she understands what you are saying.

Kendra
After the definition came the guidelines. Here’s what we came up with:

1. Listening is an important part of communication. God gave us two ears and one mouth, and it’s good to use them in that proportion.
2. Don’t imagine what is being said — listen (refer to No. 1).
3. No “communication turn-offs.” Those are things like crying, pouting, name-calling, shouting or _______ (fill in the blank and feel free to send me your additional suggestions).

John
And …
4. No hidden agendas.
5. Keep the goal in mind — communicating so the other person understands.
6. Don’t just talk about the problem; brainstorm about possible solutions, too.
And perhaps the most difficult of all …
7. Don’t be lazy. It’s time well spent.

Kendra
One Sunday a few weeks ago, John filled the pulpit at our little country church. As a sidebar to his message, he shared that we had a very long, difficult day on Saturday. We had driven over seven hours to an emotional funeral and driven back home the same day. About three hours from home I suggested we have an adult conversation and, tired as he was from the long day, he agreed.

After church, a young man, married less than 10 years, asked John a simple question: “Do you mean to tell me you and Kendra still have to have those kinds of conversations?”

I guess he hoped there was a statute of limitations on adult conversations. Turns out there’s not. But hang in there, friend. It’s worth the effort.

John and Kendra Smiley farm near East Lynn, Ill. Email [email protected], or visit kendrasmiley.com.