Years ago, when our oldest daughter was quite young, we took a family Sunday drive to see Old Baldy, that barren knob of a hill where the Lewis and Clark expedition spent a day trying to capture a prairie dog in the fall of 1804.

We reached the village of Lynch and headed north toward the Missouri River to see this beautiful location.

Our daughter, Lauren, piped up in the back seat of the car, “I suppose it’s going to take about nine hours to get there.”

My wife and I laughed. It was about a 10-minute drive. What she meant to say was something along the lines of, “I’m tired of riding in the car. I’m hungry, and I don’t care if I ever see a hill along the Missouri River, whether Lewis and Clark climbed it or not.”

We know Lauren, so we knew what she meant. But how often is it that we, as adults, are like our daughter — when we exaggerate the situation to make a point, and we often do not say what we mean?

Words matter

This can play a particular role in farm transition and succession planning discussions among family members. Sometimes, situations are exaggerated to make a point. Often, words do not come out right, or they are put out there to intentionally hurt others in the family.

Allan Vyhnalek, a now-retired Nebraska Extension farm transition specialist, has said many times that the goal in these farm transition planning situations should be that the family members involved are all on speaking terms when it is all said and done.

Exaggerating, throwing out hurtful words and failing to have empathy for the situations of others in the family can lead to the exact opposite and worst outcome of farm transitions — everyone is angry with each other.

That is also why Vyhnalek always says that communication is so important in this process. But if we are going to communicate properly, we need to keep in mind a few basic principles.

First off, don’t vent your frustrations out in the community, with others in your neighborhood, if you aren’t willing to speak face-to-face with your relatives. Speaking behind the backs of family members and venting publicly with others who aren’t involved can just make matters worse.

Secondly, say what you mean. If you are angry, don’t speak hateful terms to each other. Just be plain and tell the others that you are upset, and then try to state your grievance without embellishing the details. This helps others know exactly where you stand. They may not like what you have to say, but if you are calm and cool about it, they can at least respect your honesty.

My parents used to tell us in our youth that you should never burn bridges, especially with your words. They would also include an even tougher challenge, to say things face-to-face and avoid speaking about someone behind their back at all costs. These are tough challenges for all of us, me included.

However, if we follow these very simple axioms in farm transition planning, in our family situations and in our business dealings in general — and if we practice a little empathy, that is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes — even the most complex and difficult of negotiations can go much more smoothly.

Have questions or comments? Drop me an email at [email protected].