The unofficial rural calendar recognizes a variety of seasons beyond winter, spring, summer and fall, such as planting season, calving season, hunting season and harvest season. But the season that seems to be gaining in notoriety each year is tick season. And with each tick season comes another series of news reports on identifying ticks, avoiding ticks and why we should all be kind to ticks because they are innocent creatures with their own special place in nature’s circle of life. What seems to be lacking in these reports is any useful information on dealing with the little blood-suckers when they make their presence known at awkward moments.   

It happens, even after you take a shower, change clothes and undergo a full Brad Paisley body scan. Say you’re sitting in church when you feel that tell-tale tickle along the hairline at the back of your neck. Depending on your denomination, leaping to your feet, tearing at your hair and shouting “Jesus!” might not draw undue attention, particularly if it happens to be Pentecost Sunday. However, dropping your pants to investigate an itch behind your left knee is probably inappropriate.

Even if you are able to inconspicuously capture the creepy critter before it attaches, you’re left with other problems. For one thing, you’ll spend the rest of the service feeling around for phantom ticks. Finding even one tick crawling on your skin is likely to leave your skin crawling for hours. 

Finding a tick in church also presents a difficult disposal dilemma. Is it acceptable to immediately leave the sanctuary to get rid of a tick, or should you wait until the end of the sermon? If you do leave, is it necessary to explain and apologize, or is it better to let the pastor assume you’re offended by the message?

Somehow it seems sacrilegious to pull out a pocket knife and impale a tick inside the sanctuary. Of course, if you remain seated with a live tick held securely between your thumb and forefinger, it becomes particularly important to stay awake for the entire sermon. Otherwise, you risk relaxing your grip and allowing it to escape.

Eventually, you have to get the captive tick off your hands, or sharing the peace becomes problematic. I’ve noticed that some churches now provide bottles of hand sanitizer in the pews along with the tissues, but I’m not sure it’s acceptable to use those alcohol concoctions for tick disposal, even though some experts recommend saving captured ticks in bottles of alcohol for future pathogen testing.

Perhaps the best approach is to slip out during a hymn and carry your tick to the restroom where you can discreetly flush it. Another option is to carry it outside and release it gently in the flowerbed out front. After all, it is one of God’s creatures, even though theologians are still debating why such creatures were ever created. Of course, practicing catch and release with a tick is likely to transfer the problem to someone else, probably the nice church lady who tends the flowers. Maybe best to flush it.