Are your cows happy? Do they sleep like queens?

Comfortable dairy cows are happier and make more milk, says Missouri Extension dairy specialist Stacey Hamilton. According to a recent issue of Midwest Beef Producer, Queen Elizabeth II’s cows at Windsor Castle enjoy the luxury of water beds.

Those cows also bask in green pastures and have automatic brushes that eliminate dirt and reduce stress. The BBC says Her Majesty’s dairy uses robotics to milk cows and clean barn floors.

I’m aware of water beds supposedly improving cow comfort and milk production. Cows can be monitored via cameras to verify resting times and production. Freestyle barn operators encourage cows to lie down 12 to 14 hours per day to prevent lameness.

What about me?

Hold on to your milk buckets! Forget cow comfort. How about wife comfort? While I decline to be monitored by cameras and measured for my daily work output, I’d appreciate royal treatment any day of the week.

I’m not into water beds, but I’d like to be encouraged to rest and lie down whenever my tender feet and achy legs have a hankering. Daily maid service could clean my home and relieve undue stress.

Wood chips aren’t necessary to cover the kitchen floor to catch waste or errant food splatters. But a hot tub parked outside our screened-in porch would melt and massage away the farmer and farm wife’s weariness.

Cows lying on water beds are known to stay longer in their stalls. I could certainly be talked into staying longer in a hot tub and be perfectly happy if a Starbucks salted caramel mocha and Panera Asiago cheese bagel with cream cheese were hand-delivered to me. After all, you’d be serving at the pleasure of the queen.

Hayhurst writes from Terre Haute, Ind.