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Invent ‘lost glasses’ beeper, make a fortune

Pair of eye glasses sitting in a drawer.
LOST AND FOUND: My glasses are lost more than they are found. This time I got lucky — they were in this drawer all along!
Front Porch: Glasses and cellphones were made to be lost!

If you’ve ever watched the game show “Family Feud,” you know family members try to guess the most common answers given by a poll of 100 people. Even Steve Harvey, the host, wonders where they found those 100 people sometimes. But I would love to be there and get this question.

“We asked 100 men, ‘What item do you misplace most often?’” Harvey would say.

My hand would hit the buzzer. “Glasses,” I would say. It’s guaranteed to be the No. 1 or No. 2 answer, right up there with cellphone — take your pick.

Misplaced is a nice way of saying “lost.” I’ve “misplaced” my glasses by the bathroom sink, on the table by the recliner where I nod off very night and in other places. I’ve found my glasses in a variety of places, including on my head! If you’ve done that, too, don’t laugh!

Recently, I had cataracts removed and needed new glasses for driving. They even have blue rims. Some people think they’re stylish — my kids laugh. What they don’t know is that I figured if they were brightly colored, I could find them more easily. Never mind, it doesn’t work.

Give up!
About two months in to wearing my new glasses, they came up missing one evening. Just like that! I had been very careful to put them either on my dresser or over the desk in the kitchen.

My wife, Carla, knows that once I’m on a mission to find my glasses, she might as well sit down and wait. We aren’t going anywhere until I find them. Her helpful suggestions, like, “Did you look on your dresser?” don’t always get the most pleasant responses. “Yes, I looked on my dresser — about a hundred times!”

Well, after what seemed like a half-hour, I finally gave up. I knew I had them in my overalls pocket outside earlier, so I figured they fell out. I traced and retraced my path. No glasses! Finally, I accepted defeat. We headed off to dinner.

They didn’t show up the next day or the next. I really need glasses to drive at night. So I broke down and went to one of those glasses “chop-shop” places where you get two pairs for $80 or whatever, except by the time they throw in all the extras, it’s way more than $80.

Within a couple of days I had glasses. I couldn’t lose them, though, because the place had messed up the second pair and had to redo them. This time I went back to more “old people-looking,” brown frames — color obviously didn’t help.

A couple of weeks later I was sitting at this very desk, typing on this very computer. I needed to look something up from a previous issue. I keep copies of current issues in the big bottom left-hand drawer of my desk. I reached down and realized at some point I had shut it, which is unusual. I opened the drawer and there they were — not my magazines, but my blue-rimmed glasses, case and all!

Don’t ask me how they got there. I felt like I just won the lottery. So now I have three pairs. Carla is taking bets on how long before I lose them all.

That’s OK. Remember how I mentioned cellphones earlier? Well, as the late Paul Harvey said, “There is the rest of the story.” Tune in again to read about lost cellphones!

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