February 5, 2025

I was pregnant with my first daughter in 2021. It was shortly after the height of COVID-19 hysteria, and experts speculated how the illness would impact pregnant women and babies, both in the short and long term.
I felt scared and small and helpless against the weight of sheltering in place, vaccine recommendations and social media horror stories.
The heaviness unleashed a monster within me that I didn’t know existed. It was a destructive combination of fear and anxiety that slowly chipped away at my mental health, robbing me of many of the joys of pregnancy.
Then in October 2021, sweet Clare was born at 7 pounds and 5 ounces of pure perfection. We made it. Or so I thought.
The anxiety followed me into postpartum like a dark cloud. I floundered for control as friends and neighbors were hospitalized from COVID, or worse. I had a newborn at home who relied on me for everything. It was my job to protect her, right?
I isolated Clare, Dan and I at our house for over eight weeks. I only left for doctor’s appointments and allowed very few visitors. We stayed physically healthy at the expense of my mental health. Soon, worry and isolation snowballed into full-on postpartum depression.
My mind dreary in the fog of a false sense of control, I robbed myself of so much joy from the first months of Clare’s life.
After months of seclusion, I cried to Dan at our kitchen table, “Something has to change. This isn’t the mommy that Clare deserves. I don’t recognize myself.”
I was right. And the main culprit? A false sense of control.
Lessons from the trenches
I’m here today to say that was complete lunacy. Don’t be like me.
Our second daughter, Stella, was born the first week of January, and I vowed to learn from my prior mistakes. And yes, it’s cold and flu season, but I assure you we aren’t quarantining at the farm. Why?
Mental health is just as important as physical health, especially in postpartum. My girls need their mommy, and I can’t pour from an empty cup.
As much as I hate to admit it, illness is an unavoidable part of life. We can still stay safe in public through measures like hand-washing and minimizing close contact, even with a newborn.
We weren’t made to do life alone. There’s so much value to community support and conversation — whether that’s other mom friends, church friends or family.
God is sovereign. As much as I like to think I’m in control, I’m not. Our Creator knows what yesterday, today and tomorrow hold for my sweet girls. And for that, I’m so thankful.
I’m learning to accept the things I can’t control and instead rely on God’s provision.
It’s also a great lesson on the farm.
We can do everything right from planting to harvest, and a drought or flood can wipe out our crop. We can diligently manage expenses, and the commodity markets can plummet. We can carefully plan for farm transitions, and land prices or interest rates can make bringing the next generation on feel nearly impossible.
Ultimately, nothing this side of heaven is allowed to steal our peace, security and happiness if we have faith and find contentment in it.
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