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How I’m learning to give up control, as a farmer and a parentHow I’m learning to give up control, as a farmer and a parent

Where I Come From: What have I learned from farming and having babies? I’m not as in control as I think.

Betty Haynes

February 5, 2025

3 Min Read
Betty Hayes with husband Dan and daughters Clare and Stella
2ND CHANCE: After our first daughter was born, my need to control led to anxiety and depression. This time, I’m accepting the things I can’t control and trusting God’s provisions. Photography by Janelle

I was pregnant with my first daughter in 2021. It was shortly after the height of COVID-19 hysteria, and experts speculated how the illness would impact pregnant women and babies, both in the short and long term.

I felt scared and small and helpless against the weight of sheltering in place, vaccine recommendations and social media horror stories.

The heaviness unleashed a monster within me that I didn’t know existed. It was a destructive combination of fear and anxiety that slowly chipped away at my mental health, robbing me of many of the joys of pregnancy.

Then in October 2021, sweet Clare was born at 7 pounds and 5 ounces of pure perfection. We made it. Or so I thought.

The anxiety followed me into postpartum like a dark cloud. I floundered for control as friends and neighbors were hospitalized from COVID, or worse. I had a newborn at home who relied on me for everything. It was my job to protect her, right?

I isolated Clare, Dan and I at our house for over eight weeks. I only left for doctor’s appointments and allowed very few visitors. We stayed physically healthy at the expense of my mental health. Soon, worry and isolation snowballed into full-on postpartum depression.

My mind dreary in the fog of a false sense of control, I robbed myself of so much joy from the first months of Clare’s life.

Related:The low-pressure front

After months of seclusion, I cried to Dan at our kitchen table, “Something has to change. This isn’t the mommy that Clare deserves. I don’t recognize myself.”

I was right. And the main culprit? A false sense of control.

Lessons from the trenches

I’m here today to say that was complete lunacy. Don’t be like me.

Our second daughter, Stella, was born the first week of January, and I vowed to learn from my prior mistakes. And yes, it’s cold and flu season, but I assure you we aren’t quarantining at the farm. Why?

  • Mental health is just as important as physical health, especially in postpartum. My girls need their mommy, and I can’t pour from an empty cup.

  • As much as I hate to admit it, illness is an unavoidable part of life. We can still stay safe in public through measures like hand-washing and minimizing close contact, even with a newborn.

  • We weren’t made to do life alone. There’s so much value to community support and conversation — whether that’s other mom friends, church friends or family.

  • God is sovereign. As much as I like to think I’m in control, I’m not. Our Creator knows what yesterday, today and tomorrow hold for my sweet girls. And for that, I’m so thankful.

I’m learning to accept the things I can’t control and instead rely on God’s provision.

It’s also a great lesson on the farm.

We can do everything right from planting to harvest, and a drought or flood can wipe out our crop. We can diligently manage expenses, and the commodity markets can plummet. We can carefully plan for farm transitions, and land prices or interest rates can make bringing the next generation on feel nearly impossible.

Ultimately, nothing this side of heaven is allowed to steal our peace, security and happiness if we have faith and find contentment in it.

Comments? Email [email protected].

Read more about:

Mental Health

About the Author

Betty Haynes

Betty Haynes and her husband, Dan, raise corn, soybeans and cattle with her family near Oakford, Ill., and are parents to Clare. Haynes grew up on a Menard County, Ill., farm and graduated from the University of Missouri. Most recently, she was associate editor of Prairie Farmer. Before that, she worked for the Illinois Beef Association, entirely managing and editing its publication.

Haynes won the Emerging Photographer Award from the Ag Communicators Network during the 2022 Ag Media Summit. At the 2023 AMS, she was named a Master Writer and winner of the Andy Markwart Horizon Award.

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