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Commentary: No one can imagine the pain of those left behind after a suicide.

February 27, 2019

4 Min Read
moody farmer walking away
NOT ALONE: When farm debt is deep and income low, farmers suffer from extreme stress and mental exhaustion. Some are uncomfortable or unable to reach out for help themselves. Consider making a connection with them.

By Theresia Gillie

How do we deal with stress?

Theresia Gillie head shot

Theresia Gillie (Courtesy of Minnesota Soybean)

 

We all deal with it periodically. Stress and hard financial situations are common in agriculture.

Most of us don’t remember the “Dirty Thirties” during the Great Depression. Some of us lived through the financial crisis of the 1980s, back when we had poor crop prices and high interest rates.

My late husband, Keith, and I started back in the 1980s. I remember we were able to get an “interest buy-down loan” through the Agricultural Stabilization and Conservation Service, now known as the Farm Service Agency. Because of that interest buy-down, we only paid 14% interest on our loan!

We’ve been dealing with another farm economic crisis now for several years. The downturn has left many of us wondering how we are going to survive.

Sadly, some of us haven’t.

In April 2017, the worse day of my life happened. My husband took his life, the day our real estate mortgage payment was due.

We knew we barely had enough in crop proceeds to pay off our operating line of credit, and we knew we would have to dip into our equity again to pay the real estate mortgage payment and still live off the farm. We needed to quit farming.

There is nothing dishonorable about quitting. We had lost a lot of money the previous two years and dipped into our equity to make payments. We were cash-poor and had no working capital left. We had to stop the “bleeding.” I felt it was my job in our farm partnership to help grow our assets and equity. It was also my job to protect what we had built together. I had a close farmer friend of mine tell me at the time that “farmers are good at acquiring equity, we just tend to be cash-poor.”

Unfortunately, my husband could not see himself doing anything else. The Gillie family farm was established back in 1899. Most of you have been on the family farm for many generations. Many of you were in the fields and barns with your dad and grandpa since you were a toddler. Your love for this is more than a job, it is a lifestyle and legacy.

A new ‘normal’
Now I have to think of my life differently. I was fortunate to have two of my neighbors help me manage my farm in 2017. Living in a small farming community, lots of people wanted to help. I could feel the love from neighbors and friends as I struggled doing basic, everyday things. I felt I needed to sell all my equipment and quit. As I stated earlier, Keith and I refinanced the previous two years. I still had a large mortgage to pay.

However, after my equipment auction, my neighbors wanted me to farm with them. My two neighbors had been sharing equipment and labor for years. So, I purchased a few equipment items that would help with the larger farming operation of the three of us. I gave up some rented land and now my farm is much smaller — but it is mostly what I own, and only 200 acres are rented.

The proceeds from my farm belong to me, just as the crops grown on their farmland belongs to them. We all help each other in the field and use the equipment each of us own.

Luckily, my neighbors had a system that has worked for them for 20 years, so I trust it and them. This has allowed us to have newer, more efficient equipment. Working together and sharing labor is a huge asset, as we all know that finding skilled labor to run our equipment is not easy.

Find your resilience
This makes me think about all the skills farmers have. How many of you have CDL truck licenses or commercial spray licenses? Keith did! How many of you weld and do numerous repairs?

Farmers are great at so many things. We work long and hard hours in conditions that are not always very pleasant. Farming is probably one of the few occupations that requires a large number of skills. You all have these marketable skills!

The day Keith ended his life, the life I knew no longer existed. I felt like someone cut my legs off, and I had to learn to stand again. In the days that followed, I struggled to breathe. I can’t tell you how many nights I cried or how many nightmares woke me up. I still have anxiety attacks.

Keith made a poor choice. He couldn’t see a way out or understand the value of all of his talents. He didn’t confide in me or anyone. What he needed to do was talk to someone.

If you are struggling with financing, you are not alone! If you are worried and can’t sleep, talk to someone. There are resources available to you!

You are so valuable! Find your resilience! Look for the joy in your life! Hug your kids and kiss your spouse. Tomorrow, the sun will rise, and you and your family will endure.

Gillie operates a 950-acre soybean and wheat farm near Hallock in Kittson County, Minn. She also is a Kittson County commissioner and is a Minnesota Soybean Grower Association director and past president.

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