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Column: Give eavesdroppers a helping hand

Dear government spy,

By now you have probably hacked into my computer files and are, even as we speak, so the speak, scratching your head in bewilderment and assuming that I am up to no good.

Let me assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth. But to protect myself from unfortunate investigation and even more unfortunate incarceration and disagreeable torture, let me explain a few anomalies.

First, Bubba is not a code name I use to contact my villainous sources. My grandchildren call me Bubba, a moniker their sweet mother hung on me when the first was old enough to begin uttering cute phrases and now both of my boys use that name when they want a new toy or to be picked up and carried.

This also should explain references to the many trucks and construction items I mention buying in e-mails. Most are made by either Tonka or Mattel. I am not accumulating a yard full of heavy equipment to build bunkers or destroy important buildings, like the Bass Pro Shop.

Boris and Natasha are my cats, admittedly named after the incompetent spies in the old Rocky the Squirrel cartoon, but what else would you call sneaky Russian Blues? We named them when fewer inquiring minds wanted to know what I was up to.

I have legitimate reasons, too, to be interested in ammonium nitrate. I am an agricultural editor. Yes, that’s really a legitimate occupation. I’ve been making a living at it for years and often check Websites to determine prices, availability and delivery time for my readers.

Yes, I do have readers. At last count there were six and several others were about to come out. No, I will not give you their names, e-mail addresses or phone numbers.

You may wonder, too, about my travel habits. Perhaps I do visit exotic locations like Lubbock, Ardmore, and Mineral Wells a bit more than the average traveler, but I have good reasons. There are either good farm stories in those locations or else better than average fishing.

I occasionally enquire into the potential for transmitting animal diseases from outside the United States. I am not in the market for any, however.

I sometimes complain about the government, as you know, especially when they do stupid things that affect our farmers’ abilities to make a living. I thought I could do that based on something I read in my high school civics class. Please let me know if that has changed.

Also, Ted is not a pseudonym for my deep cover contact. He works on air compressors and we fish together. He is a bit sneaky, however. Maybe you should investigate him. I’ll be happy to give you contact information.

I can explain, too, those cookies from the Victoria’s Secret Web page. My wife likes the hand lotion and I order it fairly often.

You’ve probably discovered some of the strange e-mails I get. I don’t know who sends me those in unknown languages but the only word that seems familiar is Viagra. Please translate or decode if you can. And I really don’t know anyone in Nigeria who wants to send me millions of dollars for doing nothing. If you can convince them to stop sending those e-mails I would be most appreciative.

The other strange messages are from my siblings. Please go ahead and investigate them as I’ve been suspicious of all four ever since they got degrees from the University of South Carolina, a hotbed of malcontents.

I hope this clears things up for you.

- Bubba

e-mail: [email protected]

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